The Challenge is Not to Become Someone Different, But to Understand Ourselves
By David Hennessy, Clinical Psychologist
The Challenge Is Not to Become Someone Different, but to Better Understand Ourselves
It is common in our society to feel pressure to change, to become someone different, or to live up to an idealised version of ourselves. Social media, cultural expectations, and our own inner critic can reinforce the idea that we are not enough as we are, often pulling us away from a more grounded and realistic understanding of ourselves, where gentle, grounded truth may be more helpful than overly positive reassurance.
Real growth is not about turning ourselves into someone else. It is about slowing down enough to notice who we are already, to recognise the ways we think, feel, and respond, and to learn to manage those patterns with intention, awareness, and care. Slowing down in this way often involves clarifying what matters to us, as explored in more detail in our article on clarifying your values and enhancing life direction.
Understanding how we work in the world is both a psychological and a relational journey. It involves observing how our ways of thinking and feeling affect our relationships, our work, and our capacity to find meaning. It can mean asking ourselves questions such as:
- What tends to help me when I am distressed?
- What obstacles get in the way of me living, engaging, and behaving as I would like to?
- How do I tend to respond to setbacks, what does that say about what matters to me, and what can I learn from this?
These reflections often highlight how persistence and follow-through are shaped by structure and self-management, rather than motivation alone, as discussed in our article on creating a path and practising stick-to-itiveness.
When we intentionally work to understand these things, we improve our access to the next step of cultivating insightfully self-acceptance and compassionate self-management. This may involve developing strategies to regulate emotions, building habits that support wellbeing, and seeking connection with people who can support us in our growth. Compassionate self-management often involves moving beyond simple positive affirmations toward skills that are grounded, realistic, and supportive over time.
The challenge is not to become someone different but to grow into a deeper acceptance of who we are and to learn how to manage ourselves in ways that help us live more meaningfully and compassionately in the world.
It is a hopeful task because it does not require perfection. It requires curiosity, patience, and a willingness to keep learning.
Psychological Foundations and Evidence
Acceptance- and compassion-informed approaches support sustainable change by strengthening psychological flexibility, emotion regulation, and kinder self-management across a wide range of life difficulties and mental health presentations [1–4]. In practice, this often involves shifting from threat-based self-criticism toward steadier awareness, values-consistent action, and compassionate persistence [1–3].
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Frequently Asked Questions
Is self-acceptance the same as giving up on change?
No. Self-acceptance often reduces threat-based self-criticism and supports sustainable change through improved psychological flexibility and steadier emotion regulation [1,2].
Why does self-criticism feel motivating but often backfire?
Self-criticism can create short-term compliance through threat responses, but over time it tends to increase stress, avoidance, and emotional dysregulation, undermining persistence and wellbeing [3,4].
Can understanding myself really improve how I cope with stress?
Yes. Increased self-understanding is associated with better emotion regulation, clearer values-based decision-making, and more adaptive coping [1–4].
Is this approach suitable for everyone?
While individual needs differ, acceptance- and compassion-based principles are broadly applicable when tailored to the person, their context, and their goals [1–3].
References
- Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2016). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
- Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self-compassion program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(1), 28–44. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.21923
- Gilbert, P. (2010). Compassion Focused Therapy. Routledge.
- Gross, J. J. (2015). Emotion regulation: Current status and future prospects. Psychological Inquiry, 26(1), 1–26. https://doi.org/10.1080/1047840X.2014.940781
