Strong emotions can narrow attention, speed up reactions, and make ordinary disagreements feel urgent. In those moments, many people do not need a long explanation. They need practical skills that are simple enough to use while distressed.

Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, often shortened to DBT, is an evidence-based psychological therapy that teaches practical skills for mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness [1,2]. DBT was originally developed for people with chronic emotion dysregulation and borderline personality disorder, and DBT-informed skills are now commonly used more broadly to help people manage distress, urges, conflict, and intense emotional reactions [1–4].

This article focuses on simple DBT-informed skills that may help reduce distress and minimise conflict. These skills are not about suppressing feelings, avoiding responsibility, or “winning” an argument. They are about creating enough space to respond more wisely.

These ideas may be useful for many people, including adolescents and adults, because all people can have moments when stress, fear, anger, shame, grief, rejection, exhaustion, or frustration make communication harder.

When DBT Skills May Help

DBT skills may be useful when emotions feel intense, conversations are escalating, urges are rising, or a person feels pulled toward saying or doing something that may make the situation worse. This may include conflict with a partner, parent, teenager, friend, colleague, health professional, or service provider.

Skills do not guarantee that a situation will resolve quickly. However, they can increase the chance of slowing down, reducing harm, and choosing an action that fits the person’s longer-term values.

Start Simple: Use the Smallest Skill That Helps

When distress is high, complex plans are often hard to remember. A useful principle is to start with the smallest workable skill. This might be one slow breath, stepping away from a heated conversation, naming five things you can see, or placing both feet on the floor.

Small skills can matter because emotional escalation often builds in steps. Interrupting the pattern early may reduce the likelihood of shouting, withdrawing completely, sending regretted messages, making threats, self-criticism, or impulsive decisions.

1. Take Space Before Things Escalate

This is often the most important skill. When a situation is likely to escalate, the first task is not to prove the point. The first priority is to interrupt escalation before emotions become overwhelming. Taking action early can reduce distress, improve safety, protect relationships, and make it easier to respond effectively rather than react impulsively.

Taking space means pausing or leaving the interaction before emotions take over. This is not the same as ignoring the issue, punishing the other person with silence, or disappearing without explanation. It is a deliberate, respectful pause so that the nervous system can settle and the conversation can continue later if appropriate.

How to Use Take Space

• Notice early warning signs: raised voice, tight chest, clenched jaw, racing thoughts, urges to interrupt, feeling cornered, or feeling desperate to be understood immediately.
• Use a short phrase: “I am getting too upset to do this well. I am going to take some space and come back to it.”
• Move away from the trigger situation where possible: another room, outside, the car without driving while highly distressed, a short walk, or a quiet public space.
• Set a realistic return point when safe and appropriate: “I will check back in about 30 minutes” or “Let’s talk after dinner.”
• Use the space for calming, not rehearsing the argument.

Ask Others to Help You Take Space

Where possible, agree on this plan before conflict occurs. If either person says, “I need some space,” both agree to respect that request. Neither person will pursue, follow, corner, repeatedly text or call, or continue the argument from another room or through a closed door. The person taking space agrees to return to the conversation when they are calmer. Creating space is not about avoiding the issue. It is about giving both nervous systems time to settle so the conversation has a better chance of being respectful, effective, and productive..

A simple agreement might be:

“When either of us says we need space, we pause the conversation. We do not chase, threaten, mock, or keep arguing. We come back to it when we are calmer.”

This is a practical safety and respect skill. In the trades, there are times when the best move is to step back from the job, stop the machine, clear the area, and prevent more damage. Emotional escalation can be similar. Pausing early can protect the relationship and the person.

Important: if there is risk of violence, coercive control, stalking, threats, or harm, taking space may need to be part of a safety plan with professional support. In an emergency, call 000 in Australia.

2. 5-4-3-2-1 Senses Grounding

The 5-4-3-2-1 senses exercise is a simple grounding strategy. It uses sensory attention to bring the mind back to the present moment. This can be helpful when the mind is racing, emotions are intense, or the body feels activated.

How to Practise 5-4-3-2-1

• 5: Name five things you can see.
• 4: Name four things you can feel, such as your feet in your shoes, the chair beneath you, or your hands resting together.
• 3: Name three things you can hear.
• 2: Name two things you can smell, or two smells you like if none are obvious.
• 1: Name one thing you can taste, or take one slow sip of water and notice it.

This skill is not meant to make feelings vanish. It helps shift attention away from the argument loop and back into the room. That small shift may make the next choice more workable.

3. TIPP Skills for Strong Body Arousal

TIPP is a DBT distress tolerance skill designed for moments of high emotional and physical arousal [1]. It can be useful when distress is intense and the body feels flooded.

T: Temperature

Changing body temperature can help some people reduce acute physiological arousal. A common DBT strategy is using cold water on the face or holding a cold pack wrapped in cloth against the cheeks for a short period. This should be used cautiously and may not be suitable for people with heart conditions, fainting risk, eating disorder-related medical instability, or other relevant health concerns. Seek medical advice if unsure.

I: Intense Exercise

Brief movement can help discharge adrenaline and reduce agitation. This might include brisk walking, marching on the spot, wall push-ups, or climbing stairs for a short period. The aim is not punishment. The aim is to help the body move through activation safely.

P: Paced Breathing

Slow the breath. For example, breathe in gently for four counts and breathe out for six counts. The longer out-breath can help signal settling to the nervous system.

P: Paired Muscle Relaxation

Gently tense a muscle group while breathing in, then release while breathing out. For example, tense the shoulders slightly, then let them soften. Repeat with hands, jaw, legs, or feet.

4. Wise Mind: Balance Feelings and Facts

Wise Mind is a core DBT mindfulness idea. It describes the overlap between Emotion Mind and Reasonable Mind [1]. Emotion Mind contains feelings, urges, fears, needs, and pain. Reasonable Mind contains facts, practical information, consequences, and problem-solving. Wise Mind tries to hold both.

Wise Mind does not mean becoming cold, detached, or overly logical. It also does not mean letting intense emotion make every decision. It asks: “What do my emotions tell me, what do the facts tell me, and what action best fits the person I want to be?”

A Brief Wise Mind Exercise

1. Name the situation: “We are arguing about money,” “My teenager ignored me,” or “I feel criticised at work.”
2. Name Emotion Mind: “I feel attacked,” “I want to shut down,” “I want to send a sharp message,” or “I need them to understand me right now.”
3. Name Reasonable Mind: “The conversation is escalating,” “I am tired,” “This will go better later,” or “If I keep pushing, we may both say things we regret.”
4. Ask Wise Mind: “What is the next effective step?”
5. Choose one small action: take space, use TIPP, write notes for later, speak more slowly, or ask to return to the issue at a set time.

Wise Mind can be practised when calm so it is easier to use when distressed. A more detailed worksheet is available in the related DBT Wise Mind Exercise.

5. GIVE: Keep the Relationship in Mind

GIVE is a DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill used when preserving the relationship matters [1]. It can help reduce unnecessary escalation during difficult conversations.

• G: Gentle. Use a tone and wording that reduce threat where possible. Avoid insults, sarcasm, threats, or contempt.
• I: Interested. Listen for what the other person is trying to say, even if you disagree.
• V: Validate. Acknowledge something understandable about the other person’s experience. Validation does not mean agreement.
• E: Easy manner. Where appropriate, keep the conversation steady, human, and less rigid.

For example: “I can see this matters to you. I am not ready to agree, but I do want to understand what you mean.”

6. FAST: Keep Self-Respect

FAST is a DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill used when self-respect matters [1]. It can be especially helpful for people who either give in too quickly to avoid conflict or push too hard because they feel unheard.

• F: Be Fair. Be fair to yourself and the other person.
• A: No Apologies for Existing. Avoid unnecessary apologies for having needs, limits, or feelings. This does not mean refusing to apologise when you have caused harm.
• S: Stick to Values. Act in a way that fits your values, not just the emotion of the moment.
• T: Be Truthful. Avoid exaggeration, threats, false agreement, or pretending everything is fine when it is not.

FAST can help people leave a conversation with more self-respect, even when the outcome is not perfect.

7. Check the Facts Before Acting

When emotions are intense, the mind often fills in gaps quickly. Check the Facts is a DBT emotion regulation skill that asks whether the emotion fits the facts of the situation [1].

Useful questions include:

• What actually happened?
• What am I assuming?
• What evidence supports this interpretation?
• What evidence does not support it?
• Is there another possible explanation?
• What would I advise someone I care about to do here?

This skill is not about talking yourself out of every feeling. Feelings are real experiences. The question is whether the feeling is giving a full and accurate picture, or whether it needs to be balanced with more information.

How to Build a Simple DBT Calm Plan

A plan is most useful when it is short enough to remember. For example:

1. Pause: “This is escalating.”
2. Take space: “I need 30 minutes. I will come back to this.”
3. Ground: 5-4-3-2-1 senses exercise.
4. Settle the body: TIPP, paced breathing, or a short walk.
5. Wise Mind: feelings, facts, next effective step.
6. Return if safe: use GIVE and FAST.

It can help to write this plan on a phone note or card. In calmer times, it may also help to share the plan with trusted people so they understand that taking space is a skill, not rejection.

When More Support May Be Needed

DBT skills can be useful, but they are not a substitute for therapy, medical care, crisis support, or safety planning when risk is present. Extra support may be important if conflict involves intimidation, violence, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, substance use, stalking, coercive control, severe dissociation, or repeated relationship breakdown.

Psychological therapy can help people understand patterns, practise skills, build safer communication, and develop plans that suit their life, relationships, culture, neurotype, health, and responsibilities.

Internal Links

• Emotion Regulation and Behaviour Change – hub page for related psychology services and educational articles.
• DBT Wise Mind Exercise – a practical worksheet for balancing emotions, facts, and values.
• Psychology Support for Personality Disorders – support for emotion regulation, relationships, identity, and coping patterns.
• Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder – educational information about BPD and emotion dysregulation.
• The Difference Between “Feeling Driven” and “Choosing Action” – related article on pausing before action.
• What Is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? – related therapy approach.
• What Is Mindfulness-Based Therapy? – related therapy approach.
• Book Online or Make an Enquiry – appointments and enquiries.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are DBT skills?

DBT skills are practical strategies from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. They commonly include mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness skills [1,2].

Can DBT skills help reduce conflict?

DBT skills may help reduce conflict by helping a person pause, settle the body, check assumptions, communicate more clearly, and take space before things escalate. They do not guarantee that another person will respond well, but they may improve the chance of a steadier response.

Is taking space the same as avoiding the problem?

No. Taking space is most helpful when it is done respectfully, with the intention to return to the issue when calmer and safe. Avoidance usually means refusing to deal with the issue at all. Taking space is a planned pause.

What is the easiest DBT skill to start with?

Many people start with a simple grounding skill such as 5-4-3-2-1, paced breathing, or taking space before things escalate. The best starting skill is often the one a person can actually remember and use under stress.

What is TIPP used for?

TIPP is a DBT distress tolerance skill used for strong emotional and body arousal. It includes temperature change, intense exercise, paced breathing, and paired muscle relaxation [1].

Can DBT skills replace therapy?

DBT skills can be useful self-management tools, but they do not replace therapy when distress is severe, risk is present, or relationship patterns are persistent. Therapy can help tailor the skills to the person and their circumstances.

References and Resources

1. Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
2. Healthdirect Australia. (2025). Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT). https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/dialectical-behaviour-therapy-dbt
3. Chapman, A. L. (2006). Dialectical behavior therapy: Current indications and unique elements. Psychiatry (Edgmont), 3(9), 62–68. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2963469/
4. Kothgassner, O. D., Goreis, A., Robinson, K., Huscsava, M. M., Schmahl, C., & Plener, P. L. (2021). Efficacy of dialectical behavior therapy for adolescent self-harm and suicidal ideation: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Psychological Medicine, 51(7), 1057–1067. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0033291721001355
5. Cristea, I. A., Gentili, C., Cotet, C. D., Palomba, D., Barbui, C., & Cuijpers, P. (2017). Efficacy of psychotherapies for borderline personality disorder: A systematic review and meta-analysis. JAMA Psychiatry, 74(4), 319–328. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2016.4287
6. National 24/7 crisis support in Australia: Lifeline. https://www.lifeline.org.au/ or phone 13 11 14.
7. Emergency assistance in Australia: call 000 if there is immediate risk of harm.