The Irony of Attachment
By David Hennessy, Clinical Psychologist
Introduction
In Buddhist psychology, attachment sits at the core of human struggle. We reach for people, possessions, roles, and beliefs to create a sense of stability. Yet the more tightly we hold, the more unease we feel. We become anxious not only about what we lack, but also about losing what we already have.
This is the irony of attachment: our search for security can become the very source of our insecurity.
Attachment as Clinging
In Buddhist psychology, attachment refers to clinging, the mental and emotional grasping for permanence in a world that continually changes. Beneath that grasping lies craving, the wish for things to stay as we want them to be.
Because life is impermanent, clinging naturally leads to tension and distress. It is not the change itself that causes suffering, but our resistance to it.
This perspective does not reject caring, ambition, or love. It encourages us to engage fully with life while holding it lightly. When care turns into control or love turns into fear of loss, our peace of mind erodes. When we can care without clinging, our capacity for compassion and resilience expands.
Why We Hold On
Human minds are designed to seek stability. We build identities around relationships, possessions, beliefs, and achievements. These give comfort and orientation, yet they also create vulnerability. When they shift, as all things do, the mind reacts with fear.
The more we identify with what changes, the more fragile we feel. Recognising this allows a different way of relating, not by rejecting the world, but by engaging with awareness of its transience.
Letting Go Without Indifference
Letting go is not about withdrawal or emotional distance. It is about relaxing the mental tightness that tries to control what cannot be controlled. This balanced stance, neither grasping nor rejecting, creates space for calm and aware presence.
To let go is to be present with life as it unfolds. It means appreciating people, roles, and experiences for what they are, rather than expecting them to remain unchanged.
Connections With Modern Psychology
Modern therapies such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and mindfulness-based interventions echo this perspective. They emphasise psychological flexibility, the ability to hold values and commitments without rigidity, adapting to change while maintaining purpose [1, 2].
Where Buddhist psychology describes suffering arising from clinging, modern psychology teaches skills for openness, awareness, and values-guided action. Both point toward freedom through acceptance of impermanence and mindful engagement with the present moment.
Practices for Loosening Attachment
Letting go begins with noticing. Each time we feel the pull to control or preserve, we can pause and observe it kindly.
- Mindful observation: Notice craving or resistance without self-criticism.
- Gratitude: Appreciate what is here, knowing it will change.
- Compassion: Recognise that all people experience the wish for permanence and the pain of loss.
- Values-based action: Continue to engage with what matters, even in uncertainty.
Over time, these practices soften the grip of clinging and allow a steadier peace to emerge.
In Summary
The irony of attachment is that the more we chase permanence, the more fragile we feel. Freedom comes not from withdrawal, but from wise engagement, a willingness to care deeply while accepting that everything shifts and evolves.
When we relate to life with awareness instead of grasping, our sense of stability arises not from holding on, but from being present.
References
- Kashdan, T. B., & Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865 to 878. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2010.03.001
- Grabovac, A. D., Lau, M. A., & Willett, B. R. (2011). Mechanisms of mindfulness: A Buddhist psychological model. Mindfulness, 2(3), 154 to 166. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-011-0054-5
- Goldstein, J. (2013). Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Boulder, CO: Sounds True.
