Balancing the Happy and the Crappy
All people experience a mixture of ease and difficulty in life. At times, things may be going reasonably well. At other times, stress, loss, uncertainty, conflict or other problems can take up much more space. Positive and negative emotions can also exist at the same time [1].
“Balancing the Happy and the Crappy” is a light-hearted way of describing this universal challenge. It is not about being positive all the time, ignoring problems or pretending that difficult experiences do not matter. It is about finding workable ways to live with both the positive and negative parts of life.
Often this involves a mixture of acceptance and action. We may need to make room for thoughts, feelings and realities that are already here, while also taking practical steps towards what can be changed and what matters to us. This combination is closely related to psychological flexibility [2–5].
Ease and Difficulty Are Part of Human Life
Life changes, and so does the balance between the things that feel good and the things that feel difficult.
Health, relationships, work, money, family responsibilities, loss and unexpected events can all affect us. Sometimes life feels fairly manageable. At other times, the difficult parts can seem to dominate.
Our emotions can also be mixed. We might feel sad and grateful, anxious and hopeful, tired and pleased to see someone, or worried about one part of life while enjoying another [1].
Having a positive experience does not make a difficult experience less real. Equally, having a difficult experience does not mean that every other part of life has disappeared. Both can be present at the same time.
Balance Does Not Mean Being Happy All the Time
When I use the word balance, I do not mean that life should contain equal amounts of happy and crappy. There is no ideal emotional ratio that people need to achieve.
Some experiences are genuinely painful. Grief can hurt. Stress can become overwhelming. Relationships can be difficult. Health problems can change daily life. Sometimes circumstances are unfair or outside our control.
Balancing the happy and the crappy means responding to life as it actually is. That may involve accepting some things, changing others, and often doing both at the same time.
Acceptance and Action Can Work Together
Acceptance and action are sometimes described as though we need to choose between them. In everyday life, they often work together.
In psychology, acceptance means making room for thoughts, feelings and other internal experiences without having to fight with them or immediately get rid of them [4]. Action means doing something useful in response to our circumstances or moving towards something that matters.
For example, a person might accept that they feel anxious and still attend an important appointment. Someone might acknowledge grief and gradually reconnect with everyday activities. A person dealing with a health problem may accept some current limitations and continue to seek treatment, support or practical changes.
Acceptance does not mean giving up. Action does not mean that we must first get rid of uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. We can carry some discomfort while still doing something worthwhile.
Psychological Flexibility
Psychological flexibility is the ability to adjust how we respond as life changes. It can involve noticing what is happening, making room for our internal experiences, changing strategies when needed, and taking actions that fit our circumstances and values [2,3,5].
Sometimes flexibility means slowing down. Sometimes it means taking a difficult step. We may need to solve a problem, ask for help, set a boundary, rest, persist, change direction or accept that something cannot be fixed right now.
The important point is that these responses can be combined. We do not have to wait until we feel completely comfortable before taking action, and we do not have to keep fighting realities that cannot currently be changed.
Working With What We Can and Cannot Change
Most difficult situations contain a mixture of things we can influence and things we cannot fully control.
We may not be able to change what has already happened, another person’s choices, the fact that we have experienced a loss, or every thought and feeling that appears. Acceptance can help us make room for these realities and the emotions that come with them [4].
At the same time, there may still be things we can do. We might have a conversation, seek medical or psychological support, change a routine, set a boundary, solve a practical problem, reconnect with someone, or take one small step towards something important.
This is not about accepting abuse, danger, neglect or preventable harm. In those situations, action, protection and support may be particularly important.
Making Room for the Positive Parts
Acceptance and action are not only about managing problems. They can also help us stay connected with the parts of life that are meaningful or enjoyable.
When life is difficult, our attention can easily become focused on what is wrong. That makes sense. Problems often need our attention. At the same time, positive and negative emotions can sometimes exist together [1].
Making room for the happy does not mean forcing ourselves to feel grateful or cheerful. It can simply mean allowing positive experiences to register when they are genuinely there.
These moments may be quite ordinary: talking with someone we trust, laughing at something silly, enjoying music, spending time with a pet, being outside, completing a job, fixing something that was broken, having a decent meal, or simply noticing that this particular moment is okay.
Balancing the Happy and the Crappy in Everyday Life
There is no single correct way to balance the positive and negative parts of life. What helps will depend on the person and the situation.
A useful way of thinking about a difficult situation may be to ask:
- What is happening, and how is it affecting me?
- What thoughts and feelings might I need to make some room for?
- What parts of this situation can I influence?
- What useful action can I take, even if I still feel uncomfortable?
- What people, activities and values matter to me?
- Am I still allowing some room for connection, meaning, interest or enjoyment?
- Would practical, medical or psychological support be helpful?
Sometimes the crappy side of life will understandably take up much more space. At other times, the happy side may be easier to find. The aim is not perfect balance. It is developing the flexibility to make room for what we cannot simply change, take action where we can, and remain connected with the parts of life that matter [2–5].
Frequently Asked Questions About Balancing Wellbeing and Difficult Experiences
Does good mental health mean being happy most of the time?
No. Difficult emotions are part of human life. Wellbeing is broader than simply feeling good. It also includes how we respond to difficulties, our relationships, everyday functioning and our ability to stay connected with what matters [2,3].
Do I need to choose between acceptance and taking action?
No. Acceptance and action often work together. We can make room for difficult thoughts and feelings while still taking practical steps towards what can be changed or what matters to us [2,4,5].
What does acceptance mean in psychology?
Acceptance means allowing thoughts, feelings and other internal experiences to be present without having to fight with them or immediately get rid of them. It does not mean liking a difficult situation, giving up or accepting harm [4].
What is psychological flexibility?
Psychological flexibility means being able to adjust how we respond as circumstances change. It can involve acceptance, awareness, changing strategies when needed and taking actions that fit our values and situation [2,3,5].
Is balancing the happy and the crappy just positive thinking?
No. It is not about replacing difficult thoughts with positive ones. It means recognising what is difficult, responding where we can, and still allowing positive or meaningful experiences to be part of life when they are present.
When might it help to talk with a psychologist?
Psychological support may be useful when distress is persistent, when usual ways of coping are no longer helping, or when difficulties are having a significant effect on sleep, relationships, work, study, health or everyday life. Support can help a person explore both acceptance and practical change in ways that fit their circumstances.
Related Psychology Services and Information
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References and Resources
- Larsen, J. T., Hershfield, H. E., Stastny, B. J., & Hester, N. (2017). On the relationship between positive and negative affect: Their correlation and their co-occurrence. Emotion, 17(2), 323–336. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0000231
- Kashdan, T. B., & Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865–878. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2010.03.001
- Ong, C. W., Barthel, A. L., & Hofmann, S. G. (2024). The relationship between psychological inflexibility and well-being in adults: A meta-analysis of the Acceptance and Action Questionnaire. Behavior Therapy, 55(1), 26–41. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.beth.2023.05.007
- Ford, B. Q., Lam, P., John, O. P., & Mauss, I. B. (2018). The psychological health benefits of accepting negative emotions and thoughts: Laboratory, diary, and longitudinal evidence. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(6), 1075–1092. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000157
- Macri, J. A., & Rogge, R. D. (2024). Examining domains of psychological flexibility and inflexibility as treatment mechanisms in acceptance and commitment therapy: A comprehensive systematic and meta-analytic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 110, 102432. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2024.102432
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