Gentle Grounded Truth Might be More Helpful Than Overly Positive Reassurance
By David Hennessy, Clinical Psychologist
Gentle Grounded Truth Might be More Helpful Than Overly Positive Reassurance
When someone is struggling, it is natural to want to ease their pain. We might offer reassurance, hopeful words, or try to steer attention toward something lighter.
Sometimes, this can help in the short term. However, short-term relief does not always lead to longer-term steadiness or confidence. [1]
Whilst it may seem appealing to offer something warm, fluffy, or overly positive, a gentle, grounded truth is often more helpful in the long run. It gives the mind something realistic to work with and gives the nervous system something steady to lean on. [1][4]
When a concern arises, the mind naturally asks questions such as:
- “Is that really true?”
- “What if I can’t handle this?”
- “What happens next?”
This process is not a flaw. Rather, it reflects how the mind attempts to prepare, protect, and make sense of uncertainty. [1]
Many of the difficulties people face are genuinely distressing and, at times, unfixable. In these situations, the goal is not to fix the problem. Instead, the aim is to respond, where possible, with grounded, kind, and believable truth. This approach can reduce mental over-analysis and calm reactivity in the autonomic nervous system. [1][4]
Grounded responses might sound like:
“This is hard, and I have done hard things before.”
“I do not know how this ends, but I know my next step.”
“It makes sense that I feel overwhelmed. I am not alone in this.”
These statements are not solutions. However, they are reality-based and can promote resilience and resourcefulness by supporting regulation rather than avoidance. [9]
Why Overly Positive Reassurance Can Backfire
Reassurance is usually offered with care and good intent. However, the mind is a problem solver. When reassurance feels unrealistic or unconvincing, the mind often continues to scan for threats and certainty. [1]
Over time, repeated reassurance seeking can become a maintaining factor in anxiety disorders and obsessive-compulsive presentations. Research shows that reductions in reassurance seeking during cognitive behavioural therapy are associated with improved treatment outcomes. [2]
Meta-analytic evidence also indicates that excessive reassurance seeking is linked with increased distress and interpersonal strain, particularly in close relationships. [3] As a result, reassurance that aims to remove uncertainty entirely can unintentionally strengthen cycles of doubt, checking, and short-lived relief. [2][3]
Gentle Grounded Truth as a More Regulating Alternative
Gentle grounded truth is not about “tough love”. Instead, it combines emotional validation with realistic framing that the mind can accept and the body can settle into.
From an emotion regulation perspective, strategies that support realistic reappraisal tend to show more adaptive outcomes than strategies that attempt to suppress or override emotional experience. [1]
From a nervous system perspective, grounded and predictable language can function as a cue of safety. For many people, this supports steadier autonomic regulation and reduces escalation into threat-based states. [4]
Validation First, Then the Next Step
In practice, the order of response matters. If we move too quickly to the bright side, people can feel unseen or dismissed. Therefore, beginning with validation and then identifying a workable next step is usually more helpful. [5]
- Validate: “Of course this feels overwhelming.”
- Name what is true: “You do not have to solve everything today.”
- Next step: “What is one small thing that would help right now?”
Self-compassion often plays an important role at this stage. Meta-analyses indicate that compassion-based and self-compassion interventions are associated with reductions in anxiety, stress, and depressive symptoms, as well as improvements in wellbeing. [6][7]
More recent reviews of online self-compassion interventions suggest promising gains in self-compassion, with more variable effects on wellbeing depending on program design and follow-up timing. [8]
Gentle Grounded Truth You Can Try Today
If you are supporting someone else or supporting yourself, the following options are often more regulating than positivity:
- Truth With Warmth: “This is really hard, and you are not failing.”
- Short Time Focus: “Let’s just work out the next ten minutes.”
- Body-Based Grounding: “Feet on the floor, slow breath out.”
- Values Anchor: “How do I want to show up here?” [9]
In addition, many strong emotional responses are shaped by early relational learning. Understanding attachment-related patterns of safety and threat can help make sense of why reassurance sometimes fails to settle distress. [10]
If this resonates, you may wish to read about attachment wounds and how patterns of emotional safety and threat develop within close relationships.
When More Support May Help
At times, grounded truth also involves recognising when extra support is needed. If distress is persistent, escalating, or linked with trauma, panic, depression, or shutdown, structured psychological therapy can help build steadier regulation and support values-consistent action over time. [9][11]
Enquiries / Appointments
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Frequently Asked Questions
Is Reassurance Always Unhelpful?
No. Reassurance can be caring and helpful when it is realistic and specific. Difficulties tend to arise when reassurance repeatedly aims to remove uncertainty entirely, which can keep the mind engaged in doubt and checking. [2][3]
What Is the Difference Between Grounded Truth and Tough Love?
Grounded truth is validating and respectful. Tough love often skips emotional acknowledgement and can feel shaming. Grounded truth makes space for emotion while still supporting a workable next step. [5][6]
What If the Situation Really Is Unfixable?
In these situations, grounded truth names reality honestly while still supporting meaning, connection, and values-based action. For many people, this reduces pressure on the mind and supports calmer regulation. [1][4][9]
References
- Gross, J. J. (2002). Emotion regulation: Affective, cognitive, and social consequences. Psychophysiology, 39(3), 281–291. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0048577201393198
- Rector, N. A., Katz, D. E., Quilty, L. C., Laposa, J. M., Collimore, K., & Kay, T. (2019). Reassurance seeking in the anxiety disorders and OCD: Construct validation, clinical correlates and CBT treatment response. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 67, 102109. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.janxdis.2019.102109
- Starr, L. R., & Davila, J. (2008). Excessive reassurance seeking, depression, and interpersonal rejection: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 117(4), 762–775. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0013866
- Porges, S. W. (2007). The polyvagal perspective. Biological Psychology, 74(2), 116–143. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.biopsycho.2006.06.009
- Siegel, D. J. (2010). The Whole-Brain Child. Delacorte Press.
- Kirby, J. N., Tellegen, C. L., & Steindl, S. R. (2017). A meta-analysis of compassion-based interventions: Current state of knowledge and future directions. Behaviour Therapy, 48(6), 778–792. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.beth.2017.06.003
- Ferrari, M., Hunt, C., Harrysunker, A., Abbott, M. J., Beath, A. P., & Einstein, D. A. (2019). Self-compassion interventions and psychosocial outcomes: A meta-analysis of randomised controlled trials. Mindfulness, 10, 1455–1473. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-019-01134-6
- Randhawa, A. K., et al. (2025). Online self-compassion interventions and wellbeing outcomes: A systematic review of randomised controlled trials. Mindfulness. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-025-02606-8
- Hayes, S. C., Levin, M. E., Plumb-Vilardaga, J., Villatte, J. L., & Pistorello, J. (2011). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and contextual behavioral science: Examining the progress of a distinctive model of behavioral and cognitive therapy. Behaviour Therapy, 44(2), 180–198. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.beth.2009.08.002
- Gilbert, P. (2014). The Compassionate Mind. Constable & Robinson.
- Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (1999). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: An Experiential Approach to Behavior Change. Guilford Press.
