Firm but Fair: A Healthy Guideline for All Relationships
By David Hennessy, Clinical Psychologist
Firm but Fair: A Healthy Guideline for All Relationships
Bringing Balance Where We Can
An intentional focus on trying to be firm but fair allows us to practise compassion and consideration for other people, whilst we practise the same thing for ourselves. There is a great deal of unfairness in life, and much of it is outside our control. We cannot always change circumstances, systems, or the behaviour of others. What we can influence is how we show up. In our actions and attitudes, when relating to others, we can try to bring some balance and fairness of consideration to both sides. This does not remove hardship or guarantee smooth relationships, but it does support integrity, self-respect, and emotional steadiness.
Firm but fair is not about perfection. It is a practice. It requires awareness, reflection, and a willingness to tolerate some discomfort. Over time, many people find that as they practise this balance, their confidence grows and their relationships become more reciprocal and sustainable. Fairness requires firmness, and firmness requires fairness. This principle is broadly applicable to all people and all relationships and supports dignity, emotional safety, and realistic compassion [1][4].
Simple in Principle, Deep in Practice
Firm but fair is one of those principles that sounds simple but carries a great deal of depth for human relationships. In psychology and in everyday life, this approach consistently supports emotional wellbeing, relationship stability, and social connection [1]. Across partners, children, workplaces, and even brief interactions with strangers, firm but fair offers a steady and workable middle ground.
I often say to clients that being too nice can be just as problematic as being not nice. Extreme positions tend to create difficulties for people. When someone is too nice, they may suppress their own needs, avoid necessary conflict, and slowly accumulate resentment or emotional fatigue. When someone is not nice enough, relationships often become fear-based, rigid, or emotionally distant [5]. Boundary difficulties are often shaped by earlier attachment wounds, particularly where relationships involved unpredictability, emotional withdrawal, or threat [2]. Firm but fair provides a balanced alternative that supports dignity on both sides and reduces the emotional load carried within relationships.
What Does Firm but Fair Mean
Firm but fair is not about being tough, dominant, or emotionally cold. It is about being clear, consistent, and respectful while remaining human and compassionate. As a clinical psychologist with a history in the trades and many years as a counsellor, I have seen firm but fair work across many settings. At its centre, this principle involves clear boundaries communicated calmly and consistently, respect for your own needs as well as the needs of others, predictability rather than emotional reactivity, kindness without people pleasing, fair and proportionate consequences, and a willingness to listen and adjust when appropriate [3]. This approach reduces confusion, limits power struggles, and supports emotional safety within relationships.
Why Being Too Nice Can Be a Problem
Many people are taught that being agreeable keeps the peace. Over time, chronic overaccommodation often leads to resentment, loss of self-respect, emotional exhaustion, and relationships that rely on one person doing most of the emotional work. When boundaries are unclear or repeatedly overridden, emotional regulation becomes more difficult – particularly under stress. Research on self-compassion and emotional regulation shows that persistent self-suppression is associated with increased anxiety and depressive symptoms [4].
Why Being Not Nice Also Creates Difficulties
At the other extreme, being overly harsh, rigid, or critical can damage trust and connection. People may comply out of fear, withdraw emotionally, or disengage altogether. Boundaries without warmth become walls – and warmth without boundaries becomes self-abandonment. Firm but fair brings these two elements together in a way that is workable for real people in real relationships [2].
Firm but Fair in Intimate Relationships
Healthy partnerships benefit from predictability, fairness, and mutual respect. Firm but fair supports honest conversations about needs, respectful negotiation during disagreement, shared responsibility for problem solving, and the sense that both people matter [5].
Firm but Fair With Children
Children thrive in environments that are warm, structured, and predictable. Firm but fair parenting involves clear and age-appropriate boundaries delivered with emotional warmth and consistency. This approach supports emotional regulation, resilience, and a sense of safety [6]. Importantly, it also includes repair after moments of rupture, which is a normal and necessary part of healthy development.
Firm but Fair at Work
Whether in a clinic, office, workshop, or trade setting, firm but fair supports respectful professional relationships. Clear expectations and accountability without shaming reduce confusion, resentment, and unnecessary conflict.
Firm but Fair With Strangers
Even brief interactions benefit from this stance. In traffic, queues, or everyday public situations, firm but fair helps people express needs respectfully, maintain composure, and avoid unnecessary escalation. This reduces the emotional residue that can otherwise accumulate across a day.
Frequently Asked Questions
What does firm but fair mean in relationships
Firm but fair means balancing clear boundaries with respect and compassion. It involves being honest, consistent, and considerate of both your own needs and the needs of others [1].
Is being too nice a problem in relationships
Being too nice can lead to suppressed needs, resentment, and emotional exhaustion. Over time, this can undermine emotional regulation and relationship stability [4].
Can being too firm damage relationships
Yes. Firmness without fairness or warmth can feel harsh or threatening and may lead to fear-based interactions or emotional withdrawal [2].
Is firm but fair appropriate for parenting
Yes. Children benefit from warm, structured, and predictable caregiving. Firm but fair parenting supports emotional safety, regulation, and resilience [6].
Can firm but fair help with emotional regulation
Yes. Predictable boundaries and respectful interactions reduce emotional overload and support steadier emotional regulation [3][4].
Enquiries and Appointments
If you would like support with boundaries, relationships, or emotional regulation, you can make an enquiry here: https://hennessyclinicalpsychology.com/contact/
References
- Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.497
- Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
- Linehan, M. M. (1993). Skills training manual for treating borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.
- Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self-compassion program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(1), 28–44. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.21923
- Hadden, B. W., Rodriguez, L. M., Knee, C. R., & DiBello, A. M. (2015). An interdependence theory perspective on interpersonal goal support in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 109(3), 463–483. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000023
- Sanders, M. R., & Mazzucchelli, T. G. (2018). The power of positive parenting. Australian Psychologist, 53(6), 439–445. https://doi.org/10.1111/ap.12364
